What if I told you I was capable? Capable of great things. Inspiring things. Spectacular things. Even Awful things.
If I could pinpoint one of the most impactful things God has taught me throughout my journey is that I am capable. After all, I am His creation. I was created to do something and worship some thing or someone. These things have been instilled in me since the beginning. Whether, it is for the good of myself and to the glory of God or the complete opposite.
This year I came to the realization that I am capable of writing great and inspiring things like ‘Dear, Princess’, or the aching of my heart spilled onto my journal. I found out I was capable of speaking encouragement to people whether it was the newly converted Christian Romanian man who lives by himself or the church crowd before me. I concluded I was capable of defeating any stronghold or addiction in my life. I discovered I could entertain children for hours if I just swing them around in the air or give them the attention and affection they so desperately seek. Above all, my eyes were opened to the truth that I was capable of receiving grace no matter what. Period.
However, none of these things that I deemed myself capable of was because of the fact that am in someway awesome. In fact, the complete opposite is true. If I am capable of anything it is because of the awesome God that I serve. It has nothing to do with me, but everything to do with Him.
Christ in me wrote ‘Dear Princess’, not me. Jesus spoke His words to that Romanian man, not my words. Jesus defeated the stronghold of sin on the cross, not with my works. He gave me the strength to pour out to the children; it was not my own willpower to push through it. God gives grace because God is graceful, not because I deserve it.
On the other hand, I also, realized I am capable of quite terrible things. With the same tongue that can speak life, I am also capable of yelling wicked things to the people I love the most. I can serve others around me, and mutter under my breath how beneath me they are. I discovered I could tell lies to get my way out of an uncomfortable situation if I needed to. I saw how I was capable of so easily leading people down the wide and crooked path. Above all, I realized in the blink of an eye I could turn my back on the God who never turns His back to me. My eyes were opened to the truth that I could neglect and reject Him any time that I wanted and worship myself instead. And there were times where I did all of those.
So, what do I conclude from this journey I was on this year? It would be quite logical to say that for every good thing I did, two bad things followed. Or for every step I made in furthering my maturity in Christ was followed by two leaps and bounds backwards. Thankfully, God taught me the most about the things that truly mattered. His love and grace. In the words of Matt Chandler, “Because I am aware that I am not yet what I will be, I will not be surprised when I blow it. I will not give into the paralysis of guilt and shame when I fall short to what I know God has called me to.”
Therefore, I conclude I am capable. I am capable of being whoever I want to be, and doing whatever I want to do because of the One who lives inside of me.
I choose Christ. And I know that at the end of the day as I struggle on my hands and knees, with dirt in my eyes, and scrapes and bruises to cross the finish line that two things will take place. Jesus will pick me up like He has been doing my whole life whether through mountaintop and valley, mistake and triumph. And as I stand before Him in all of His glory He will say, “well done, good and faithful servant.” Because He who began a good work in me will be faithful to finish. (Philippians 1:6)
I was a missionary for 11 months. What the next season holds for me I am not sure yet. But I do know one thing. I am ready for even greater things. The same Jesus I witnessed doing miraculous things in and through my life and the lives of others that I encountered these past 11 months, is the same Jesus that will continue to do things alike and even greater in this next season. Thank you for following me on this journey. I hope that in someway whether small or big you were able to see Christ during my world race. Because He is there in the midst of all things. We just have to have the faith and be willing to ask for Him to give us new sight.
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