Through The Valley

Through The Valley

 

I see you.

Yes, you.

You wait for my blog updates. Or maybe you casually read them as you come across them on Facebook. But there are many things you do not see in my world. You couldn’t even if you wanted to. Unless, you were here with me you wouldn’t know. What you don’t see is the difficult times on the race. The times when all I want to do is escape everything here. Escape my thoughts, feelings, and emotions. The moments I want to abandon God and myself.

 

What you don’t see is days after posting the ‘Dear Princess’ video/blog how my world slowly starts to break. What you don’t see is when I go to the hospital, because I’m so dehydrated from not retaining water, because I couldn’t stop from going to the bathroom 12 times a day for the last week in Thailand. Yeah, not the prettiest picture, I know. What you don’t see is while my physical health is declining, my emotional and spiritual health is fading…fast.

 

All of a sudden, I’m in a time machine and taken back to a place in my life of rebellion six years ago. I find myself in a mindset that feels all too familiar as if it is not really me, but someone else deep within. My old inner sinful man I thought had been put to death. “I remember this. I know what it takes to be bad. To resist God and begin my rebellion against Him.” I start thinking how much I hate the world race. How I hate everyone. How life isn’t fair, and how this isn’t fun anymore. I think and wonder if Jesus is just some fairytale and make believe that we tell ourselves to provide comfort from the terrible thought that we might be all alone in this world. I question if God is good at all. If He was, why didn’t He heal me before I had to go to the hospital? Does He pick and choose when or if He heals? Did I not make the list? And what about all those who suffer much more than I could ever imagine?

 

What you haven’t seen are the days where I feel like I’m contributing nothing. Like, am I really doing any good here? In fact, am I just making everything I touch worse? Many times in life all I ever felt I did was break what I touched. What you don’t see is the lack of energy and passion I have for ministry. I don’t feel like myself. I feel drained and 25 pounds less than I was two months ago. What you don’t feel is the beating heat. The kind of heat that makes you curse the sun as you never cease to stop sweating.

 

What you don’t experience is the feeling of doubt for this whole world race experience. Is this really for me? Did I make a mistake signing up? I should be at home with my family. Where life was good and comfortable.

 

However, what you also don’t see is the amount of encouragement and kind words I receive daily from people who are for me and who love me. What you haven’t seen is my squad mates who take care of me when I can’t take care of myself. What you haven’t seen is the people who fight for me when I don’t feel like fighting for myself. What you don’t see is how good God has been to me on this race with providing me meals, shelter, great friends, and love that I thought couldn’t possible go any deeper. And most of all the freedom He has given and is continuing to give to me. A freedom from myself.

 

I know God is good. And I know He wants me here. But I am struggling with my emotions. I question a lot of the things we do. I wonder a lot about anything and everything. Fortunately, I know God is okay with that. He’s fine with my questions, doubts, fears, and roller coaster of emotions. And the one phrase that keeps me going is, love alone is worth the fight. Through all of the valleys I may have to go through, it really is worth it. Because love is worth the fight. So, I fight on. I fight through the foggy valley of the unknown in hopes that one day soon I find the piercing light that shines oh so bright at the mountaintop.