Why This Train Isn’t Stopping
If you recall a recent blog I wrote, “Stop this train”, I talked a lot about how my life was changing before even leaving in January. Currently, I am in this weird period of not being able to settle in back home, because I’m leaving in just two short months. Except, how am I supposed to live life and be present with the people around me when I’m leaving? It all just feels like a tease to me.
This hard truth has been tough for me, and I think it’s been difficult for those around me at times, as well. It seems like since May, I have told God time and time again that I have other desires too aside from missions. What about a career, a Godly relationship with someone, or my own place (in Beverly Hills)? How am I supposed to have these things if I’m leaving? Will I miss out on the blessings if I’m gone?
If you know me at all you know I’m a very passionate and “feelings” kind of guy. Probably not your norm for the typical guy, but God likes to get creative. With a passionate heart come strong desires to lead in a way that I know God created me to lead. I get so excited to think that one day I’m going to start my own family with someone who I love more than all the stars in the sky (see what I mean…feelings). I grew up in such a loving family, so the idea of being a husband and father is definitely something I look forward to in the future.
For a career, I would love nothing more than to counsel those who need it most. I want to comfort and grieve with those who are hurting and broken. My heart is near to those dealing with depression and addiction, so I desire to help them in any way possible. I, also, want to write a book one day that can help anyone in his or her struggles by learning from mine.
Signing up for the World Race is a funny thing. All of a sudden these other desires that I have for my life have exceedingly grown, or at least I have become more aware of them. When I realized I was leaving for 11 months, I began to question why the heck I decided to sign up in the first place. Why? It’s the unknown. At least at home I feel like I have control in the direction my life goes. Out there I won’t even be sure what the next day will hold. Thoughts have lingered in my head leaving me to wonder if I am leaving behind potential opportunities like a career, a relationship, or fun experiences here at home. So, my heart has been going back and forth questioning if I am doing the right thing at the right time.
Deep down I think God would have been on board if I had chosen to stay here and go to graduate school or get a job. Except, that’s not what’s happening. I chose the World Race, and He’s fine with that as well. He’s on board and ready to go. The struggle has been me hesitating to jump on the train.
I’ve been scared to jump on, because I keep thinking I’m going to miss out on something here at home. However, if I don’t get on, what if I miss something out there? If God wants more for me than I want for myself, and if He knows what I need more than what I think I need, then me wondering if I’m going to miss out on something while I’m gone is really just me not trusting God. Maybe, that’s the first step of this whole process; to trust God despite what I think or feel. Maybe, I have to start believing that God would withhold no good thing from me (Psalm 84:11). God knows my other desires, and in His perfect time these things too shall come. Until then, I shouldn’t be worrying about trying to control them myself.
I’m left with two options at this point. Begin to resent the World Race, as well as God, and question and wonder why I ever decided to do something like this in the first place. Or I could take a leap of faith, trust God (like legitimately trust that He has a plan that is going to take place no matter where I go for 11 months), and get on the dang train.
Six months after getting accepted for the World Race, I can finally say my heart is fully in it. This train isn’t stopping, and for the first time in a long time I sure am glad to be on it.
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